Are we in a gay sports bar?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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