The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
