Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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