No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
