i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
