His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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