i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Randomize