T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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