I hate your face
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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