There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
