ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Your penis caused this!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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