hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
