My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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