seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
