You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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