Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
