my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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