my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
