My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
