The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
whose ass print is on the piano?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
