Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
