i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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