It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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