Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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