Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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