True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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