The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
