Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
