Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
