so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize