I looked at my own cervix.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
