if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she told me i tasted like america
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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