Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
