Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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