I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
