I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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