He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
