i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i think i have two assholes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
