Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
