dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
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