So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
