oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
