last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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