i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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