the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
