it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
