just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
