Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
