What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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