nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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