i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
