So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
