If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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