So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
