My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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