i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
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