so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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