Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
